Everyday to me has felt as if it is groundhog day. I wake up. I get anxious with various thoughts of what it is I should eat. Then I eat. Feel exhausted. Not got enough energy to do all the things I dream of doing. Go to bed. Sleep. Repeat! =/
TIME TO WAKE UP BEE!
I am today standing back and taking a look at myself. Things need to change. No more living in my head with all thinking and not much doing. No. I can safety say that I am being honest to myself when I say I am sick and tired of this now. I have finally come to the realisation that if I continue thinking in my obsessive ways then things are never going to change. I have to accept that I am me and I cannot live in the past forever - I need to progress - be brave and have the faith that I am not necessarily the same person as I was all those years ago. I am a woman. I shouldn't be fitting into age 12 clothes! This is not normal! And definitely not healthy!
This has suddenly come about for me as recently whilst taking a glimpse of my friends list on Facebook an inspirational, lovely person with such a lovely aura about her, had removed me from her friends list. Immediately I took this situation quite personally - trying to measure up all of the things that I might have done/said that would in effect cause her to want to remove me. It brought me right back to primary school days, the times where making friends was very difficult for me and became quite significant in the development of my ED. Perhaps I should go mute?? - that way I know that nothing I say will hurt anyone.
I left it at that for now. But this just kept bringing up various question about myself and what a horrible friend I could have been. Or was it a mistake?
I couldn't wait anymore and so I took the initiative to send her a friend request to see if she would respond. However, after doing so, I took a look at her friends list to check if she may have deleted some other people who she had added from the ward. Indeed she had except one other who I knew was definitely on the road to recovery.
It was odd as I had also been previously asked to meet up for a coffee with her but at the last minute be notified that she had conveniently had a interview on the same day? Oh. Okay. Only now do I recognise that it may have been a way of avoiding me as she observed that I was struggling when I went to the doctors. I hadn't heard from her in a while so I gave her a quick private message to ask directly what it was that I had done =[
She replied -
" Hey bee, no you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re lovely, it’s your eating disorder I don’t like. Recovery is so hard but I’m giving it my best shot. I want to give myself the best chances of making this work, and sometimes that means moving on and distancing yourself from some people. I promise you that it’s nothing personal. I hope you can understand. Xxxx "
I totally understand but somewhat I felt quite hurt. Not at her. More at myself.
I have no friends.
And I guess it is all for the same reason. All wanting to 'distance themselves from me' - like I am some kind of disease which makes me feel disgusted in myself!
Suddenly this has since been stuck in my mind for the past week and I feel angry - angry at my stupid eating disorder ways and now feeling all that I believed I should be avoiding should instead be considered and experimented; like testing a supposed hypothesis.
What have I got to lose after all? I have nothing. No friends. No career. And frankly nothing to lose.
So here it goes. The beginning of a new month begins tomorrow and hopefully a new state of mind will be able to develop; challenging beliefs to see what happens if I did? What would the outcome be?
Much love and support to all out there, perhaps in some sort of relatively similar position - we can get through this!
Some things just take time...